Asking Eric: I'm a grown woman who feels like a party-crashing middle-schooler

"I do get invited to quarterly birthday parties (there's a separate text chain for that), but generally I'm unaware of most of their activities. My two friends often ask me to go with them when they notice I wasn't invited. I feel like the larger group of women look at me as a friend of the other two women. They're always friendly when I see them, and when I invite the larger group to an event hosted by my church or civic organization, many of them will come. But when my two friends ask me to tag along, I feel I'm party-crashing, going to something I wasn't invited to."

"You're not. Trying to navigate the borders of an established group of friends can be really frustrating and confusing at any age. Part of the issue is, although the invitations from your two friends are seemingly genuine and made without reservation, the group as a whole has its own personality. And what we want, at least in my experience, for that whole group to welcome you with open arms so that that internal middle-schooler has all her fears assuaged."

A newcomer to a longtime social circle feels excluded from a primary event text chain while remaining close with two friends who invite them to tag along. The invited person experiences awkwardness and feels like a party-crasher when attending events without an explicit group invitation. Long-standing groups often have stable personalities and internal boundaries that do not automatically expand to include new people. Practical responses include cultivating one-on-one relationships with other members, communicating feelings and boundaries with close friends about tagging along, and building additional social networks to reduce dependence on the larger group's validation.

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