"I'm a little unclear whether you feel you've inherited your father's best friend or if you cultivated the relationship with an expectation that Hank hasn't met. Either way, it does seem like you're not getting what you'd hoped (and, perhaps, neither is Hank). So, it'll be healthy to rethink how your relationship works. What does Hank need from you? What do you need from him? What can you reasonably provide? What can he reasonably provide?"
"If, for instance, you feel a sense of obligation to provide Hank company, you might find that that's not quite what Hank is looking for. At the core of all of this is your desire to maintain a connection to your father, which makes a lot of sense. You may find, however, that staying as close to Hank as you are is doing the opposite. Here's another tactic: Ask him to write down a list of memories he has about your father. You might even provide him with a written list of questions. If he's not a big writer, you might try record"
The correspondent hoped Hank would reveal details about an absent father but finds Hank domineering, repetitious, and self-focused despite good memory. The correspondent feels obligated yet no longer wants Hank's presence and fears causing hurt because Hank has little family. The advice recommends reevaluating the relationship by identifying Hank's needs and the correspondent's limits, and setting realistic expectations. Practical steps include asking Hank to write or record memories, providing a list of questions, structuring visits, and explaining boundaries gently. The guidance also recognizes Hank's likely loneliness and encourages prioritizing the correspondent's emotional health while seeking information about the father.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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