8 things people who become estranged from their families all have in common, and it's never what the family thinks - Silicon Canals

"You know what families always say about estranged relatives? "They changed." "They got selfish." "They think they're better than us now." But after years of watching this pattern play out, reading psychology texts on family dynamics, and yes, living through my own complicated family relationships, I've noticed something different. The people who end up distancing themselves from their families often share remarkably similar experiences and traits that have nothing to do with what their families believe."

"What's fascinating is how predictable these patterns are. Psychologist Lindsay Gibson writes extensively about emotionally immature parents and their adult children, and her research backs up what I've observed: estrangement rarely happens because someone suddenly becomes "too good" for their family. It happens because they start recognizing patterns that were always there. 1) They were the family truth-teller Remember that kid who always pointed out the elephant in the room? The one who asked why Dad drinks so much or why Mom gives everyone the silent treatment when she's upset?"

"That was probably the future estranged family member. These people have an almost compulsive need to acknowledge reality, even when everyone else is comfortable pretending everything's fine. They can't participate in the family mythology that keeps dysfunction hidden. And families really, really don't like having their comfortable illusions challenged. I remember sitting at Sunday dinners, watching everyone pretend not to notice obvious tensions, and feeling like I was going crazy. Was I the only one seeing this? Turns out, I probably was."

Certain adult family members distance themselves after recognizing persistent dysfunctional patterns rather than because they are 'too good' for the family. These individuals often serve as truth-tellers who refuse to participate in family mythology and call out substance abuse, silent treatment, or other tensions. Success can be achieved in ways that violate family rules, such as seeking therapy or choosing different values. Emotional immaturity in parents can create environments where boundaries and reality are routinely denied. Recognition of these long-standing dynamics prompts withdrawal as a self-protective response when attempts at change are resisted or punished.

Read at Silicon Canals