4 Ways to Handle Being "Tested" By a Partner

"These tests may appear as quizzes about past conversations ("Do you remember what I told you last week?"), hypothetical scenarios ("Would you still love me if...?")"

"At the beginning, these pop quizzes can look playful or trivial-until you realize they likely stem from deeper unresolved insecurity, fear of abandonment, or old relational and attachment wounds seeking resolution. Naturally, though, this dynamic takes away from the intimacy of your relationship by replacing curiosity with surveillance, trust with scorekeeping, and collaboration with examination. Here are four strategies to navigate your relationship when it starts to feel like more of a classroom than a connection."

"Research in attachment theory tells us that people with anxious attachment tendencies often monitor signs of availability and care in their partners. John Bowlby, the pioneer of attachment theory, described how early caregiving patterns shape our "internal working models" of love. Some of us expect consistency, while others expect neglect or rejection. Testing behaviors are generally attempts to manage these underlying fears. If your partner tests you and you pass, they feel safe."

Relationship testing shows up as quizzes, hypotheticals, or trick situations intended to measure memory, effort, loyalty, or love. Testing behaviors typically arise from unresolved insecurity, fear of abandonment, or attachment wounds that seek reassurance. People with anxious attachment tendencies often monitor partner availability and care, using tests to manage underlying fears. Passing tests may temporarily reassure but rarely resolves the underlying insecurity, and failing confirms fears of being unworthy or forgettable. Testing replaces curiosity with surveillance, trust with scorekeeping, and collaboration with examination, thereby eroding intimacy and safety in the relationship.

Read at Psychology Today