"When we make a statement like this, we can unintentionally minimize what the other person is feeling. While many life events are out of one's control, your partner is likely looking for support that can help them feel seen and empowered, and this statement only brushes aside the pain of their unique circumstances. "That's just how it is" implies that their struggle is common, trivial, and something to get used to or get over quickly. It doesn't reflect empathy."
"An important skill in any relationship, according to the Gottmans' sound relationship house theory, is "turning toward bids." Bids are a partner's attempts at emotional connection. They often include trying to get a partner's attention, interest, affection, or emotional support. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Family Psychotherapy also found that couples repaired conflict most effectively when they pre-emptively focused on establishing emotional connection, through expressing understanding and empathy for the other person."
Knowing someone has your back provides calm and ease during rough patches. People sometimes lack the headspace or presence of mind to support partners and may lash out or build walls, creating manufactured emotional distance. Dismissive phrases can push a partner away even when unintentional. Statements like "That's just how life is" minimize unique pain and dismiss the need for empathy. Responding to bids for connection with sensitivity and understanding strengthens emotional bonds. The Gottmans' "turning toward bids" concept emphasizes attending to partners' attempts at connection. Expressing understanding and empathy helps couples repair conflict more effectively and protects love.
Read at Psychology Today
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