Why 'It Is What It Is' Can Feel So Dismissive

"I say: "My son hasn't spoken to me for a long time." The response I get is: "It is what it is." I say: "I'm anxious about my blood test results." The response I get is: "It is what it is." I say: "Some part of me regrets never having had children." The response I get is: "It is what it is.""

"I say: "My cat has kidney disease, and the vet says it's time to let her go. I'm sad." The response I get is: "It is what it is." "My mother's memory is fading, and I'm worried." The response I get is: "It is what it is." In each of these situations, I express a feeling or concern. I'm exposing a vulnerable part of my life."

The phrase "It is what it is" frequently comes across as dismissive when people share tender, vulnerable feelings. People need empathy and to feel seen before receiving realism in order to regulate emotions and begin healing. Simple, compassionate presence and acknowledgment sustain connection far better than formulaic, clever phrases. Perceived invalidation, where others do not acknowledge or accept emotional experience, correlates with higher psychological distress. Examples include responses to worries about a child, medical tests, regrets about not having children, a dying pet, and a parent's fading memory. Validation supports emotional regulation and connection.

Read at Psychology Today