The Pain of Not Belonging

"Belonging. When it is there, it often goes unnoticed, especially for the majority groups. We may be so used to belonging that we fail to recognise the privileges it confers - small gifts, like cycling with the wind at your back. Exclusion, by contrast, rarely goes unnoticed. It can be silenced, questioned, or disbelieved, but it is felt. And it can be sharp and sudden or creep in like death by a thousand paper cuts."

"We live in a world divided by arbitrarily drawn borders. Anti-immigration rallies have filled the streets in my country in recent weeks, leaving many to wonder if they truly belong-in a country made up largely of immigrants themselves. Diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives in workplaces are being scaled back or dismantled. Mainstream schools remain inhospitable for many neurodivergent students, with autistic pupils facing alarmingly high rates of overwhelm and bullying."

"The question is stark: when we exclude, are we actively harming people? Science suggests yes. Brain scans show that social exclusion activates the same brain regions as physical pain (Eisenberger, Lieberman, and Williams, 2003). Even subtle, chronic forms of exclusion feel like cycling against the wind-life becomes more effortful, more exhausting, and far less sustainable. Why Belonging Matters Psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary famously described belonging as a basic human need in their 1995 paper The Need to Belong."

Belonging often goes unnoticed by majority groups while conferring unrecognized privileges, whereas exclusion is felt sharply or accumulates through many small slights. Contemporary political and institutional trends—anti-immigration rallies, rollbacks of diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives, and inhospitable mainstream schools—leave many people questioning whether they belong. Those who are neurodivergent or gender diverse face high rates of overwhelm, bullying, and hostility. Social exclusion activates the same brain regions as physical pain, making social isolation exhausting and unsustainable. Small acts of inclusion such as recognition, authentic leadership, and welcoming difference can counter loneliness, depression, and impostor feelings and strengthen communities.

Read at Psychology Today