"The want to want. I hear it often in my sessions: The desire to want more sex, often followed closely by the wish that wanting didn't feel so damn hard. For many adults, especially those juggling work, caregiving, mental load, and emotional labour, sex isn't absent because something is "wrong." It's absent because pleasure has slowly slipped down the priority list. So instead of anticipation, sex starts to feel like another task."
"As a sex therapist, here is what I would suggest instead: 1. I would reduce pressure before I increased touch. Pressure is one of the fastest libido killers there is. The science backs this up. According to the Dual Control Model of sexual response, sexual desire is shaped by a balance between excitatory and inhibitory systems (Bancroft & Janssen, 2000). Pressure, obligation, and the fear of disappointing someone act as powerful "brakes," often overriding any sexual "accelerators" that might otherwise be present."
Chronic stress activates the body's threat system and physiologically suppresses sexual interest, making desire harder to access. For many adults balancing work, caregiving, and emotional labour, pleasure often falls down the priority list so sex begins to feel like another task. Pressure, obligation, and fear of disappointing someone act as strong inhibitory brakes that can override sexual accelerators. Increased effort, scheduling, or performance emphasis rarely restores desire. Reducing pressure before increasing touch can protect libido. The Dual Control Model frames desire as a balance between excitatory and inhibitory systems, and fantasy, play, and positive affect facilitate desire.
Read at Psychology Today
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