"Different social animals have different approaches to reconciling disrupted relationships. The anxiety created from damaging an important relationship leads chimpanzees to groom, bonobos to engage in sex, and dogs to show submissiveness. These reconciliatory actions are species-specific strategies to repair and return valuable relationships to their former state. So, what about humans - how do we repair our important relationships?"
"The single most important mechanism that we use to earn reconciliation with someone we have harmed is the apology. In his classic book On Apology, Aaron Lazare points to two main reasons why people apologize: "The first reason is their response to shame, guilt, and empathic regard for those they have offended. The second reason is their attempt to restore the relationship and to avoid further damage to the relationship, abandonment, retaliation, or other punishments.""
"The first component is the acknowledgment of the offense and taking responsibility for it. It is important for the offender to own up to their role in causing offense and to recognize that they caused harm to the other. It is not good enough to offer a vague or conditional "I'm sorry that you're upset," "I'm sorry for whatever I may have done," or "I'm sorry if I hurt you.""
Different social animals use species-specific strategies to repair disrupted relationships: chimpanzees groom, bonobos engage in sex, and dogs show submissiveness. Humans primarily use apology to earn reconciliation after harming someone. People apologize partly from shame, guilt, and empathic regard and partly to restore relationships and avoid abandonment, retaliation, or punishment. These two motives converge as an emotional impetus to repair relationships. The goal of an apology is forgiveness from the harmed person. Effective apologies increase the chance of forgiveness. Key components include acknowledging the offense, taking responsibility, explaining why one acted, and avoiding vague or conditional apologies.
Read at Big Think
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