Tim Dowling: our dog is bottom of the class at dog school

"It's dark by the time my wife and the dog return from dog school. How was it? I say. It's graduation next week, she says. I hope we don't get held back. You're not top of the class? I say. We're bottom in everything, she says. Except eye contact. My wife explains that during one exercise she and the dog maintained unbroken eye contact for a solid minute, earning their first and only round of applause from the other trainees."

"The dog is still staring at my wife an hour later. I think she's the instructor's favourite, my wife says. Obviously, they're not allowed to say. Did you learn anything else? I say. My wife produces a dog treat and commands the dog to lie down. The dog obeys. Stay! my wife shouts. She then parades around the room with the dog treat held above her head. The dog stays put; only its eyes follow my wife."

"Bedtime is less sorted. The dog retreats to its own bed on command, without complaint, seven or eight times a night. But whenever I wake up I find it sleeping across my chest, restricting my breathing. As far as the dog is concerned, it's obeying my orders to the letter. From my perspective, the dog is never not in my bed."

"To that end, my wife has been supplied with a high-pitched dog whistle to improve the dog's recall. If nothing else, we can add it to the long list of noises the dog is afraid of. My wife blows the whistle; the dog ducks its head and retreats to the other side of the room. Two short toots, she says. Everyone has to have their own signal so you don't get mixed up."

Night falls when the wife and dog return from dog school. The dog and wife are graduating next week but rank low in the class except for sustained eye contact, which won applause. The dog maintains prolonged eye contact and follows visual cues while ignoring whistles. At home the dog obeys commands yet sleeps across the husband's chest, constricting breathing. A high-pitched recall whistle is meant to improve recall but the dog retreats from it. The wife expects the dog to acclimate, while the husband fears using a whistle in public because of social perception.

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