"What I see again and again in my clinical work is not a lack of love, but a deep uncertainty about how to use that love when behaviour becomes challenging. Many parents believe that if they love more, explain more, soften their tone, or show greater understanding during difficult moments, their child will eventually behave better. This belief is entirely understandable. It comes from care, empathy, and an innate desire to be a supportive, loving parent."
"When a child is distressed and in the throes of behavioural difficulties, what they need is not love instead of guidance, but a parent who can offer unconditional love and facilitation at the same time. Facilitation means understanding that every situation a parent encounters is not only about the moment itself, but about what comes next. Every response, every tone, and every boundary shapes how the child will behave in the future."
Parents commonly love their children but often lack clarity about how to use that love during behavioural challenges. Children in distress need both unconditional affection and active facilitation, because developmental immaturity can prevent cognitive understanding of expectations. Responses, tone, and boundaries influence future behaviour, so balance between warmth and guidance is essential. Overly soft responses or excessive direction both leave the child miserable. Punishment, threats, and bribes tend to create resentment rather than cooperation. Fear of setting boundaries often stems from misbelief that firmness harms attachment, whereas appropriate authority supports healthy development.
Read at Psychology Today
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