Raising children brings parents into contact with earlier choices and can trigger regret. The past is not fixed; it shifts based on current circumstances and the lens of the present. When a child is thriving, past actions may look more supportive, while struggles can make earlier mistakes feel more prominent. This mismatch reflects cognitive dissonance between past memory and present reality. Parents can reduce guilt by recognizing that they acted on the information available at the time with intentions aligned to their values. If harmful patterns are identified, the focus can shift to learning and adjusting rather than blaming oneself.
"The past is never fixed; it constantly shifts and is always filtered through the lens of the present. If your child is doing wonderfully, your pats on the back probably outweigh the mistakes. But just as the divorcing couple only looks back and sees red flags that were ignored or problems that were swept under the rug, if your child is struggling, you look back and only see roads not taken and bad decisions. It's all about cognitive dissonance: our past has to match our present."
"Again, new lenses. Your current lens brings new information about your child, yourself, and the problem you didn't have back then. If you acted on the information you had and your intentions were good and aligned with your values, you did the best you could. Time to cut yourself some slack and extend yourself some forgiveness."
"But if you look back and realize that your decisions and actions were skewed-perhaps by fear of speaking up and upsetting your child or partner, or by selfishness, such as your desire for your child to fulfill your dreams rather than theirs-rather than berat"
Read at Psychology Today
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