"BenchmarksWe all accomplished a lot in 2025. Mom, you made partner at your firm and-per last year's review-solutioned out of skinny jeans. Jordan continued his onboarding (i.e., potty training) just in time for pre-K. I started seventh grade and quit cello. And, Dad, shaving again was a brave step on the strategic staircase! So was coming up the actual staircase from your "office" on weekends. Congratulations all around!"
"Key LearningsMom, having three glasses of wine ("because of the pandemic") doesn't mean it's O.K. to loudly sing Charli XCX. Nobody wants to "guess the color of [your] underwear," least of all the other parents at gymnastics. Dad, as part of your Performance Improvement Plan ( PIP) last year, you committed to improving your Family Value Proposition (F.V.P.). We thought that would involve finding full-time work, not just listening to Joe Rogan and wearing pants with something called a "gusseted crotch.""
Family members receive a playful performance review that highlights 2025 achievements and behavioral concerns. Mom made partner and abandoned skinny jeans; Jordan completed potty training; the child started seventh grade and quit cello. Dad resumed shaving and occasionally left his home office on weekends. Mom's drinking led to loud singing and inappropriate comments at public events, causing embarrassment among other parents. Dad committed to improving his Family Value Proposition but instead spent time listening to podcasts and wearing unusual pants. Both parents continue to embarrass their child in public and must recommit to boundaries, responsibility, and limiting school appearances.
Read at The New Yorker
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