"Contrary to what the court of public opinion may lead us to believe, most parents who reach out to me have not lost connection with their adult children due to cruelty or neglect. They lose it through what I call anxious overinvolvement. The kind of hypervigilant involvement that comes from genuine love, a desire to be helpful, and a hidden fear of losing connection with their grown children."
"Based on my coaching of parents who struggle with their adult children, I hear firsthand how this heightened, anxious overthinking manifests in tone, urgency, and constant concern. Even when communication is limited to text messages, adult children readily detect and are put off by their parents' overthinking. This is because your adult child does not hear your concerns. Rather, they hear " Pressure.""
Most parents lose connection with adult children through anxious overinvolvement rather than cruelty or neglect. Anxious overinvolvement is hypervigilant engagement driven by love, desire to be helpful, and fear of losing connection. Parental overthinking leads to catastrophizing and thought spirals that show up in tone, urgency, and constant concern, which adult children experience as pressure. Over-reassurance and unsolicited fixes can undermine autonomy and erode respect. Hovering and unsolicited advice corrode the parent-child relationship. Parents should contain the urge to solve their grown child's entire life, offer reassurance only when asked, and create space for independent decision-making.
Read at Psychology Today
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