Love Means Nothing to Forgive: Forgiveness and Forgivingness

Forgiveness is a permanent attitude rather than an occasional act. Forgivingness is an unconditional heartfulness that drops the dualism of offender and forgiver, treating people as forgiveness itself. Pardon cancels consequences, while forgiveness clears accounts and keeps no ledger of wrongs. Forgiveness is a discrete act, while forgivingness is an ongoing attitude. Loving-kindness toward others cannot depend on whether the other seems lovable; love continues even through moments of unlovability. When love is real, an offense meets dialogue and reconciliation, and the need to forgive disappears because nothing is held against others. Forgivingness functions as a virtue and spiritual commitment that converts life into a kindly response to offense.

"“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” We can trust that there is a reliable, unconditional heartfulness in us called a “forgiving nature.” The word for that is “forgivingness.” In forgivingness, we drop the dualism of offender and forgiver. We are forgiveness. We relate forgivingly. Pardon cancels consequences; forgiveness clears the accounts. Forgivingness keeps no ledger of wrongs."

"Forgiveness is a discrete act. Forgivingness is an ongoing attitude. This same distinction regarding acts or attitudes of forgiveness applies to love. For the virtue of loving-kindness toward others to be real, it can't be based on whether we see lovability in the other. We love because we love, not because of how appealing someone is. We know our love for others is real when their moments of unlovability no longer matter or cancel our caring committed connection, what love is all about."

"Forgivingness is a virtue-that is, a good habit. It is likewise a spiritual commitment. Forgivingness, like any virtue, originates in our attitudes and actions, a conversion of life. It becomes our kindly response to an offense. An offense no longer leads to our holding something against others, another form of retaliating. So, to love means no need to forgive at all because we don't hold anything against others. This raises the standard regarding what it really means to love."

"In a religious context, English mystic Juliana of Norwich in Showings wrote: “God never needs to forgive since...God is never offended.” We can apply that to our relationships. To offend is, according to the dictionary, to do wrong so as to cause"

Read at Psychology Today