"When we were supposed to be on holiday but weren't, I kept feeling a tug towards finding the positive: I can book a replacement trip; At least we have travel insurance; This'll give me something to write about. But I never felt better, just a bit depressed. And then I would bump up against the reality that this holiday really was gone: my husband's surgery required frequent agonising dressing changes, and there is a limited time window for an enjoyable break on the Belgian coast."
"But what I needed was to be honest with myself. In those moments when I was able to stop fighting off the disappointment and we talked about it instead, it felt like we were going through something together. Instead of feeling depressed and trying to smile, I've allowed myself all sorts of unwanted feelings, including but not limited to bitterness and resentment and hatred and rage, which at least felt real. At times, it even became possible to enjoy our time at home together."
A cancelled holiday due to a partner's urgent surgery produced repeated attempts to reframe the situation with positive thoughts, which failed to alleviate low mood. Persistent minimising prevented emotional processing and left a sense of loss. Confronting the disappointment and admitting unwanted feelings such as bitterness, resentment and rage made those emotions feel real and enabled mutual understanding and connection. Allowing space for grief and honesty with oneself and others can create relief and even occasional enjoyment, while expecting therapy or wishful thinking to undo experiences ignores the necessity of facing reality and feeling loss.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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