Why We Hold Grudges: The Psychology of Whether to Forgive

"On top of this, most people recognize that holding onto anger is not conducive to inner peace or healthy relationships. Why Can't We Just Let Go of Anger and Forgive? Self-protective defenses, the impact of interpersonal trauma on the mind, and other psychological factors obstruct our ability and motivation to forgive. The need for protest in the form of a grudge is further fueled by mistaken assumptions about forgiveness that make it feel unjust and unsafe."

"Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not about helping the person who hurt you and doesn't have to involve them. It does not mean you're letting them off the hook or absolving them; nor does it make what happened defensible, or mean that you will forget. Healing releases people from the need to hold a grudge. It is about reconciling with yourself, not necessarily the person who hurt you."

"Forgiveness does not dictate behavior but, rather, frees people up to make deliberate decisions about how and whether to connect with the offending person, rather than be controlled by fear, shame, and guilt. Psychological Influences on Forgiveness Forgiveness means letting go of anger and the need for justice or vengeance. But forgiveness is not so simple. We cannot just decide to forgive and command ourselves to make it happen through sheer force of will."

Holiday and family pressures to forgive provoke anticipatory anxiety, dread, and conflict for people with ruptured relationships. Expectations about how to feel or behave can produce shame and guilt when internal responses do not match social norms. Self-protective defenses, interpersonal trauma, and other psychological factors obstruct forgiveness and sustain grudges as forms of protest. Forgiveness does not mean helping, excusing, absolving, or forgetting; healing releases the need to hold a grudge and reconciles the self. Healing enables psychological separateness and deliberate choices about contact and boundaries rather than being controlled by fear, shame, or guilt, and cannot be forced by will alone.

Read at Psychology Today