When You Don't Feel Allowed to Feel

"He insists that for strong people like him, anger and frustration are the only acceptable, non-emotional emotions-the reactions that feel purposeful, controlled, and familiar. Anger because it can solve problems. Frustration because it sharpens his focus. Anything quieter or more tender becomes risky background noise-disappointment, sadness, worry, fatigue, compassion, even moments of pure joy-signals he learned early on to override. If it resembles vulnerability, it's especially avoided, a potential distraction from the work of staying composed."

"If so, you know that people with this belief don't explicitly refuse to feel; rather, they organize their internal world into two clean categories: functional reactions and emotional complications. With a whole constellation of emotional experiences deemed "improper," they live within the confines of the few reactions that feel both allowed and controllable. Most internal experiences-good or bad-feel like emotions they're not allowed to have. Their job is to handle pressure without complaining or asking for help."

Many high-functioning adults limit their emotional range to a few sanctioned reactions, often anger and frustration, because those feel purposeful and controllable. Quieter, tender, or vulnerable feelings such as sadness, disappointment, worry, fatigue, compassion, or joy are overridden or avoided. These adults organize emotions into functional reactions versus emotional complications, creating an internal world that excludes many experiences. Emotional illegitimacy—the belief that one’s feelings matter less—erodes resilience. Stoicism, when practiced healthily, supports honest emotional awareness rather than suppression or emotional hardness. The result is emotional efficiency born of necessity, not choice.

Read at Psychology Today