When Boys Are Taught Not to Feel: The Cost of 'Being a Man'

"lesson-sometimes explicitly, often subtly: don't cry, don't be scared, don't be emotional. Sadness is brushed off. Fear is minimized. Vulnerability is framed as weakness. But what happens when we raise boys this way? When boys are told they shouldn't cry when they are sad or admit fear when they feel unsafe, we aren't making them strong-we are teaching them to disconnect from themselves. Over time, this disconnect can grow into something far more damaging: a lack of emotional intelligence."

"Many boys receive the message, "Your emotions are wrong." Or worse: "You can't trust what you feel." Parents and caregivers may say things like: While often well-intentioned, these responses invalidate a child's inner experience. According to Dr. John Gottman's research on Emotion Coaching, when children's emotions are dismissed or minimized, they don't learn how to understand or regulate those emotions, and they learn to ignore them. But emotions don't disappear when ignored. They simply go underground."

Many boys are taught to suppress emotions, which teaches them to distrust or ignore their feelings. Emotional invalidation prevents learning how to identify, understand, and regulate emotions, causing feelings to go underground. Emotional disconnection makes boys more likely to enter dangerous situations, struggle to identify needs, suppress sadness until it becomes anger, numbness, or risk-taking, and have difficulty forming emotionally connected relationships. Emotions serve adaptive functions: fear protects safety, sadness signals loss and need for connection, anger marks crossed boundaries, and joy indicates meaning. Overriding internal signals removes an essential survival tool.

Read at The Gottman Institute