"When I think about my childhood, the first word that comes to mind is "night." The nights were always the hardest. My father struggled with alcohol and sometimes turned that pain into violence at home. As a kid, I felt like danger could appear at any time after the sun went down. I was afraid to sleep deeply. I kept the light on in my room because darkness felt like losing control."
"I slept with my head right next to the door, leaving it slightly open. I wanted the door to bump my head if anyone came in so I would wake up fast. Part of me was afraid that my father might come into my room and do something while I slept. Another part worried that he might hurt my mother and I wouldn't hear it. So I stayed half awake, listening for every sound, ready to jump up and protect her,"
Nights brought constant fear because of a father's alcoholism and occasional violence. Sleep felt unsafe, so the child kept lights on, slept with head near the door, and stayed half awake to detect danger. Hypervigilance and exhaustion made school attendance and focus difficult. Neighborhood stigma and exclusion intensified loneliness. Teachers punished outward behavior without seeing underlying fear. The child internalized a narrative of being "the bad one" and wore that identity like a heavy coat. The child lacked support and felt isolated from peers. The mother was struggling.
Read at Tiny Buddha
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