The Curse of Hyper-Independence

"People often associate asking for help with weakness or a loss of agency and control. It requires a lot of vulnerability to admit when we're struggling and need a hand. Yet, no one makes it all the way through their life without having needs. At one time or another, hardship finds all of us. Whether it's an illness or injury, financial stress, career troubles, emotional pain, or loneliness, we all struggle. It's what makes us human."

"I've spent many hours in therapy considering the question, "Why is it so hard to accept help?" It took a lot of self-awareness, vulnerability, and emotional intelligence to get to the other side of that question. Having grown up as a parentified child, I had to learn how to not only identify my own needs but also get those needs met outside my family of origin. Through that process, I realized that asking for and accepting help is a sign of strength and empowerment."

"So I not only learned not to ask, but I learned to mute my needs entirely. Taking care of myself and my siblings, persevering through adversity, and not relying on others became my superpower growing up. It allowed me to survive and even thrive in an unsafe childhood home. But as an adult, I realized that never asking for help came with its own cost: deep, meaningful relationships. That fierce independence I was so proud of started to get in the way of connection."

Western cultures prize self-reliance and independence, leading many people to avoid asking for help to avoid burdening others or appearing weak. Asking for assistance requires vulnerability and can feel like a loss of control. Everyone experiences hardship at times—illness, financial strain, career setbacks, emotional pain, or loneliness—creating genuine needs. Growing up parentified can teach children to mute needs and become hyper-independent as a survival strategy. Hyper-independence can protect during adversity but later undermines deep relationships. Relearning to identify needs, ask for help, and accept support reframes help-seeking as strength and empowers connection.

Read at Psychology Today