'My Parents Treated Me Well, So Why Do I Still Want Therapy?'

"But what happens when the parent is the source of the fear? That's the paradox at the heart of disorganized attachment. The very person who should be a safe harbor becomes, unpredictably, a source of alarm. For example, a mother lost in her own grief for years, staring through her infant with a trance-like look. Or a father, struggling with depression, jerks away when his toddler reaches for a hug, because he has no energy for hugging."

"These moments are often fleeting and are easy to miss for an adult. But to a baby, they're world-shattering. The instinct says " go to mom," but the fear of encountering something dangerous and inexplicable says " run away. " The child is literally trapped-caught between two conflicting biological commands. And the result isn't just insecurity, but the collapse of any coherence for getting comfort and building a stable relationship."

"Here's something I hear a lot in my practice: "My childhood was fine. My parents loved me. They didn't hit me. They showed up. So why do I feel like something's off? Why do I still want therapy?" People usually say it with a mix of guilt and confusion. As if the wish to help oneself needs an excuse. And in the case of outwardly stable families, it is very tricky because such families may still cause their children the trauma of disorganized attachment."

Unresolved parental trauma can produce disorganized attachment in children even in outwardly stable families. Infants are biologically driven to seek caregivers for safety, yet caregivers can become unpredictable sources of alarm when their own trauma, grief, or depression interferes. Fleeting, hard-to-detect moments—such as a grieving parent staring blankly or a depressed parent recoiling—can signal danger to a child. The child faces conflicting instincts to approach and flee, creating trapped behavior patterns. The result is not merely insecurity but a breakdown of coherent strategies for seeking comfort, described as cumulative or strain trauma arising gradually over time.

Read at Psychology Today