"Prior to that, I had little awareness of my appearance, other than being constantly mistaken for a boy due to the extremely short hair cuts imposed on me by my mother. To cope with the cruelty of classmates, I dogmatically played up a tomboy persona. Then my best friend's father began regularly putting his hand down my pants. This coincided with more childhood cruelty: an anonymous list circulating in my sixth-grade class that divided the girls into "pretty" or "smart.""
"Apparently, I was still beautiful, even though I was officially middle-aged - two conditions I had been led to believe could not coexist. And this was of primary importance to me, because in spite of a successful professional life, happy motherhood to two lovely children and a community of good friends, deep down I believed that the thing that really mattered about me was men finding me desirable."
Perimenopause brought unexpectedly positive physical changes including glowing skin, thicker hair and increased breast size, and a surge of renewed sexual desire. New single life in Paris enabled numerous casual relationships with French men and reinforced a sense of desirability. Despite professional success, motherhood and friendships, self-worth remained tied to being found desirable by men. That dependency stemmed from childhood sexual abuse beginning at age 10. Early life also included enforced short haircuts, peer cruelty and an anonymous sixth-grade list forcing a choice between being labeled "pretty" or "smart." These early experiences created a persistent psychological pattern linking identity and validation to physical attractiveness rather than inner qualities.
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