Asking Eric: Why does this fall to me, the sibling who actually has a job?

"My mother and late father sold vintage and secondhand items on auction sites for years to supplement their household budget. I taught my father to list online many years ago. I work two jobs and also freelance. I'm unmarried, in my 50s, live a half-hour drive away from the family home, and also commute one hour each way during the week. My 58-year-old brother lives with Mom. He was laid off just before the pandemic"

"He also suffers from hoarding disorder and refuses to clear his items from the family home (only some rooms are now usable). My pleas to put his items in storage (I will pay), take things to the dump or simply clear out to make things safe for Mom have been met with anger. The hoarding seems dangerous to me; I've told Mom that I want to call social services, which upsets her, so I stop talking."

"Dear Hand: Your concerns about your brother's hoarder tendencies and your frustrations about the work you're being asked to do are separate issues but they're likely related. First the hoarding. Your fire department might have a hoarding task force that can make a house call. Or your local Area Agency on Aging might have additional resources. Yes, escalating your concerns will likely create conflict, but I'd argue the conflict is already simmering in your relationship."

A middle-aged family member who commutes and works multiple jobs is being asked to resume online auction listings for a mother whose late husband previously managed them. A 58-year-old brother living with the mother was laid off before the pandemic, has not worked steadily, and suffers from hoarding disorder that has rendered much of the home unusable. Requests to clear or store the brother's items were met with anger, and mentioning social services upsets the mother. Recommended steps include contacting a fire department hoarding task force or the Area Agency on Aging, expecting conflict, enlisting outside help to reduce caregiver burden, and setting clear boundaries about refusing auction work.

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