Are You Hoarding Hurt?

"There's a holiday song that says, "It's the most wonderful time of the year!" And so it is. And also a most evocative, challenging, and complicated time. It's a time of December darkness and the light and warmth we fill it with as we gather with people we love. These are often the people with whom we experience a confusing complexity of joys and emotional misadventures."

"Time with them is precious, and we are enriched by their presence. Yet, too often we fall into taking them for granted-the background of our busy lives. Sometimes when I suggest to couples that they appreciate the small things their partner does-making dinner, picking up the dry cleaning-they react with surprise. "What! These are just table stakes!" Sharing our life with others is both difficult and a privilege. There's no such thing as table stakes."

"Research has shown the physical, mental, and emotional benefits of practicing gratitude. Neurochemically, gratitude increases dopamine and serotonin, and decreases cortisol. We feel better and are less depressed and anxious. These benefits are even stronger when we express our gratitude. Gathering for the holidays is a good time to experience and express gratitude for family and friends and the joy they bring to our lives."

Holidays combine darkness and warmth, bringing people who offer comfort and complex emotional histories. Time with loved ones provides gifts of companionship, laughter, and daily kindnesses that should be noticed and expressed. Practicing and expressing gratitude produces neurochemical benefits — increased dopamine and serotonin, reduced cortisol — and lowers depression and anxiety. Letting go of old injuries requires active work rather than passive waiting. Cleaning emotional house involves asking whether memories bring joy and releasing those that cause persistent suffering. Active participation in forgiveness and letting go makes room for gratitude and more joyful holiday experiences.

Read at Psychology Today