After My Husband Died, I'd Sob For Hours - Then Take A Break To Masturbate.

"I remember exactly when it happened. I'd spent most of the day curled up on the couch with my phone, scrolling through photos of Tom and me together and bawling my eyes out. And then, with tears still running down my cheeks, I felt a pulsing, urgent need that seemed wildly inappropriate given the circumstances. And yet there it was: desire, burning through me with an intensity that left me breathless."

"That feeling stayed with me for nearly a year. For a year, I was horny. All. The. Time. It was as though my body had suddenly remembered it was alive while my heart was still learning how to beat on its own. The contrast was jarring. I'd spend hours sobbing while sorting through his things and then take a break to masturbate."

"My first reaction was shame - profound, all-consuming shame. How could my body do this to me? How could I feel sexual desire when the love of my life was gone? I felt like I was betraying him somehow, as if by acknowledging my own sexuality, I was erasing our love, our history. As if my body had forgotten what my heart couldn't."

After Tom's massive stroke and death, I experienced intense, conflicting emotions including grief, nostalgia, and moments of laughter amid tears. Unexpectedly, within two months I developed a persistent, overwhelming sexual desire that lasted nearly a year. The desire coexisted with deep mourning; I sobbed while sorting Tom's things and intermittently sought sexual release and physical intimacy without attachment. The urge provoked profound shame and feelings of betrayal toward Tom and my past love. The bodily hunger felt like life asserting itself while the heart learned to beat alone, leaving the experience confusing and isolating.

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