Rob's death converted a life focused on caregiving into a period of searching for purpose and meaning. Small daily comforts like Wordle, Connections, and podcasts provided routine amid uncertainty. The grieving person considered Rob's wishes and prioritized enjoying the remainder of life while seeking ways to serve others. Compassion increased after the funeral, illustrated by giving money to a homeless man who had previously been refused spare change. Acts of kindness emerged as a response to worry about potential outcomes and as a path to honor Rob. Purpose and service arose gradually rather than through a sudden revelation.
While my son Rob was alive, I never thought about being of service to others, mainly because I was always in service to him. Rob was more than a handful, but once he was gone, I didn't know what to do with my hands. Finding purpose, like so many facets of grief, is different for everyone. We all have to do our own soul searching, and it took me a while to figure out mine.
I felt the whole "ticktock, life is short" thing, and I didn't want to waste whatever time I had left on inconsequential nonsense... with the exceptions of playing Wordle and Connections every morning and listening to any number of sports and pop culture podcasts. I thought about what Rob would want me to do and came up with a short list that he'd approve of: 2. Enjoy the rest of your life. I've accomplished number one, and I'm still working on number two.
My initial soul searching led me to look at how I had changed post-Rob. I definitely felt more compassionate toward others and remember the exact moment when that happened. There was a homeless guy who slept outside in front of our garage in Venice and he'd ask me for spare change every morning, which I never gave him. After I came back from Rob's funeral in New York, I started giving him a few bucks every time he'd ask.
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