"Start by looking closely at what specifically sets off your sudden anger. When a child's action triggers us, there's usually a thread connecting it to something from our own childhood. Maybe their defiance reminds us of times we were punished for speaking up. Or their tears bring back memories of being told our emotions were "too much". This awareness doesn't make the triggers disappear overnight."
"Often, we think we "need" our child to put on their shoes or brush their teeth, but these aren't actually needs - they're strategies. Your real needs might be for ease, collaboration, or connection. When you can identify the need underneath your reaction, you open up many more ways to meet that need. If your need is for ease and your child won't get dressed, maybe you can lay out clothes the night before or let them pick between two outfits."
Past family trauma can shape parenting patterns through unconscious triggers that link children's behavior to earlier wounds. Recognizing specific triggers creates space between those past wounds and present reactions. Distinguishing actual needs from behavioral strategies reveals alternative ways to meet needs, such as planning ahead or offering choices. Practicing self-compassion after parenting mistakes promotes real change more effectively than harsh self-criticism. Seeking professional support helps process traumatic experiences safely and prevents further harm. Implementing concrete steps aimed at awareness, need-identification, compassionate self-response, and external help can interrupt intergenerational cycles and build healthier relationships with children.
Read at Psychology Today
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