National Security Begins Behind the Toaster

"Dear Secretary Pete Hegseth, I realize that this is a big ask, but would you please invade and take possession of my son and daughter-in-law's apartment? Or maybe you'd like to make them an offer first? Either way, as a concerned mother and patriot who believes that national security begins at home, I feel it's my duty to let you know that Otis and Luna, the co-dictators of Unit 4-C, at 439 Bergen Street, in Park Slope, Brooklyn, must be overthrown."

"When you commandeer the home, take a look behind the toaster. Have you ever seen such an alarming amount of dust? And that rogue Cheerio! This is a couple unfit to govern a two-bedroom. One more piece of intel: The refrigerator light has a checkered history of flickering, suggesting impending danger. The refrigerator was manufactured in China. But this is not just about making 4-C great again. America needs 4-C! The territory in question is rich in valuable resources."

"After you breach and clear the kitchen, check the cabinet to the left of the oven. See the never-opened truffle-infused oil on the top shelf? It was very expensive and Luna never sent me a thank-you note. Extract it. Pete, what size shoe do you wear? Otis has stockpiles of investment sneakers under the bed. Please plunder! (Talk about boots on the ground-slippers, too.)"

A mother implores Secretary Pete Hegseth to invade and take possession of her son and daughter-in-law's Park Slope apartment, Unit 4-C. She details unhygienic conditions such as heavy dust, a rogue Cheerio, and a flickering refrigerator light, and notes the refrigerator was manufactured in China. She points out valuable items to seize, including unopened truffle-infused oil and investment sneakers hidden under the bed. She suggests converting the coat closet into a command center and the living room into a pied-à-terre ballroom, mentions nearby Gowanus Canal docking, and expresses concern over plastic baggie quantities and a twenty-seven-week-old granddaughter, Daphne.

Read at The New Yorker