"Thank you for coming in today. I've got your test results back, and I'm afraid the news is not good. You've been diagnosed with a severe case of Wellness Guru. If you'd come in at the first sign of symptoms-a Dry January, say, or a prolonged cleanse, or some light at-home facial microneedling-we might have been able to consider less radical options. But I see in your chart that things have advanced to morning fasts and eating a sensible dinner from left to right."
"Are you taking daily shots of apple-cider vinegar? That's considered fairly low on Glieg's Fermentation Dependence Scale, but we'll need to keep an eye on usage. Are you washing your hair with it? Your face? Your feet? Have things progressed to the point of having regular kombucha or kvass infusions? If so, let's get you scheduled for additional lab panels. I'm also going to refer you to a specialist I know uptown so that we can get an appropriate gauge of where"
"Typical onset of Wellness Guru happens after spending an extended period of time in infested waters, like social media. Infection can also occur while journaling or browsing lymphatic rompers on Goop. It usually starts with one small, innocuous-seeming tip or life hack, like staying hydrated or getting eight hours of sleep. That's all it takes for Wellness Guru to worm its way into your system."
A mock clinical encounter frames obsessive wellness behaviors as a medical diagnosis called 'Wellness Guru.' Symptoms progress from mild experiments—Dry January, cleanses, at-home facial microneedling—to routine fasting, regimented meals, and ritualized products. Quantitative measures and referral pathways are used satirically, including Glieg's Fermentation Dependence Scale and Traub's Hierarchy of Wellness. Questions about daily apple-cider vinegar shots, kombucha use, and hygiene rituals are treated as clinical markers warranting labs and specialist referral. Onset is linked to prolonged exposure to social media and wellness content. Left unchecked, behaviors escalate from avoiding ultra-processed foods to creating homemade detergents and replacing coffee with fungi powders.
Read at The New Yorker
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