The False Idea That Forgiveness Is for Me, Not the Offender

"Forgiveness, defined as a moral virtue, benefits both the forgiver and the offender. Yet, misunderstanding forgiveness as self-serving distorts its true essence. True forgiveness involves good-willed actions towards offenders, not just self-healing. Distinguishing forgiveness from emotional relief preserves its moral virtue. I often say when interviewed about forgiveness that about 99 percent of the people who attend my talks actually misunderstand what forgiveness is."

"This is not intended to criticize these individuals. Instead, the point is to emphasize that societies worldwide have not taken sufficient time to discuss, deeply understand, and practice forgiveness. In other words, it is societies, not individual persons, that have kept silent about what forgiveness is and how to go about it across the centuries. Therefore, people are not philosophically or psychologically prepared to examine what forgiveness is in its essence ( Enright, 2025)."

Forgiveness functions as a moral virtue that benefits both the forgiver and the offender. Many people misunderstand forgiveness as primarily self-serving, which distorts its essential nature. Genuine forgiveness involves deliberate, good-willed actions toward offenders rather than only seeking emotional relief or personal healing. Societal silence about the precise definition and practice of forgiveness leaves individuals philosophically and psychologically unprepared. Popular slogans promoting forgiveness as solely for the forgiver encourage self-focused approaches and risk leading people down inaccurate pathways of forgiving without recognizing their error.

Read at Psychology Today