Missing the Children I Never Had

"Our Portuguese guest, Lucas Gomes, described saudade as a form of missing that isn't about temporary absence. It isn't the kind of missing that assumes reunion. It's not "you're in the other room and I'll see you in a minute." As he explained it, saudade is something that arrives in the middle of an ordinary day and reminds you that something you love is simply not here. Not delayed. Not recoverable. Gone. Or perhaps never fully present to begin with."

"I miss the children I never had. I was never pregnant. I never miscarried. There is no medical chart, no ultrasound photo folded into a drawer. And yet, there are two girls I have known for quite some time-two girls conceived in my mind. I'm not exactly sure when this little mental game started. Maybe when I began wondering what I would have named a child if I had had one."

"What distinguishes saudade from ordinary longing is this: it does not point toward resolution. It names a desire that does not expect fulfillment. What struck me immediately was how precisely that word fit the feeling I'd been carrying for years. And how satisfying that was. Like finally discovering that the weird pain in your foot has a Latin name and is therefore respectable."

A person experiences a persistent, bittersweet longing for imagined daughters, despite never being pregnant or miscarrying and having no medical record. The longing involves naming hypothetical children and returns repeatedly like a familiar mental pattern. The feeling combines ache and sweetness, prompting repeated mental revisiting. A specific Portuguese term, saudade, captures this form of missing that is not about temporary absence and does not assume reunion. Saudade arrives unexpectedly during ordinary moments and emphasizes irrecoverable absence or things never fully present. Saudade differs from ordinary longing because it does not anticipate fulfillment, making the feeling satisfyingly precise and respectable.

Read at Psychology Today