"When those we dislike or disagree with suffer, it feels complicated. There can be a reflexive sense of validation or numbness. But if we stay with it, something softer can arise: care. I call this jumble ambivalent compassion. And in this divided time, it offers something essential and all too rare: a chance to honor complex emotions in ourselves and others."
"At work, when a boss I disliked was passed over for a promotion, I felt relief: Finally, others saw what I saw. But I also can relate to the pain of not getting the job. In relationships, when I hear an ex is still single, I've felt some satisfaction: Yes, I am that hard to get over. But there is also tenderness for her longing to start a family."
"Schadenfreude, pleasure at another's pain, is so deep in the cultural lexicon that it has its own song in the Broadway musical "Avenue Q" (" Happiness of the misfortune of others? That IS German!"). It's almost instinctual to smile when a rival sports team loses a big game or a driver swerves around us impatiently, only to get caught at the red light. But that shallow emotion is only part of being human."
Ambivalent compassion recognizes that people can feel mixed emotions when those they dislike suffer, including relief, validation, numbness, and tenderness. Schadenfreude is a common, shallow response, but emotional ambivalence—experiencing both positive and negative feelings—is more typical. Personal examples include relief when a disliked boss is passed over, simultaneous empathy for their pain, satisfaction when an ex remains single alongside tenderness for their desires, and geopolitical numbness to the humanity of enemy soldiers. Staying with ambivalent feelings can allow softer care to emerge. Even amid political violence, tenderness and critique can coexist and honoring complex emotions is essential.
Read at Psychology Today
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