More goals, a dance partner and a bomb squad - an A to Z of 'All I want for Christmas'

"Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a new front row, a one-tonne scrum, a bomb squad if I'm extra good, and a solemn promise that I'll never again to subjected to a match that involves either Rassie Erasmus or Matthew Carley. Speaking of which, please don't send any more cards ... "

"Greetings from a bunker Down Under. Can you please drop off a gift hamper at the MCG, but make sure it gets there before the end of day two or it might be too late. Preferably to include the following: a straight bat, a fake urn, a 'Bazball' obituary and a 12-inch remix of Ashes to Ashes."

Andy Farrell requests a new front row, a one-tonne scrum, and a bomb squad as a reward for good behaviour. He demands a solemn promise never to be subjected again to a match involving either Rassie Erasmus or Matthew Carley. He adds a request that no more cards be sent. Ben Stokes requests a gift hamper be delivered to the MCG and specifies arrival before the end of day two to avoid being too late. He lists desired items: a straight bat, a fake urn, a 'Bazball' obituary, and a 12-inch remix of Ashes to Ashes.

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