Mary Earps: I was in pure survival mode but barely surviving at all'

"In early 2020, on the eve of lockdown, Phil Neville, then head coach of England, dropped Mary Earps from the squad. For the first time ever, I began to feel something unimaginable; I felt disillusioned with football and unsure what I was doing in life, chasing this dream that was constantly in reach but never fully within my grasp. And then, abruptly, lockdown hit. And the world changed, at either the best possible time for me or the very worst."

"My life had been built around a structure for when I trained, ate and even when I slept for as long as I could remember. It was my scaffolding. Suddenly, after rarely ever having had more than a day off at a time, I could do whatever I wanted. I threw everything I knew out the window and did all of it, in any measure, whenever I wanted, kidding myself that this break from the grind could do me good."

Mary Earps was dropped from the England squad in early 2020, triggering disillusionment with football and uncertainty about pursuing the sport. Lockdown removed the daily structure that had governed training, eating and sleep, leaving an unmoored routine. Freedom led to unhealthy habits: inactivity, binge-eating biscuits, poor sleep and avoidance of calls. The absence of external scaffolding exposed suppressed vulnerability and allowed prolonged emotional struggles. The situation illustrated how tightly held routines had supported identity and how their sudden removal invited negative thoughts and self-destructive behavior that required acknowledgment and change. Recognition of these patterns became the first step toward confronting mental health and rebuilding a healthier routine.

Read at www.theguardian.com