"One woman commented that she feels ashamed because her husband no longer finds her valuable. She felt that her actual value as a person had been diminished. She said that it's "taken for granted" that being married is better than being single or divorced."
"She loved that she and her husband were co-piloting a big ship together-tending the house and kids, planning the family's course for the future, depending on each other to keep the ship water-tight and sailing right. Then he pushed her overboard without a life jacket. Suddenly, the secure identity she had built as part of a couple had sunk to the bottom of the sea."
"If being married means that you accomplished something highly valuable, then being left must mean that you failed. Or does it? Many women in the runaway-husbands community describe their competence and dedication in married life, often taking care of everyone while working full-time. They may not have been the perfect wife, but then, was their husband the perfect husband?"
"If your husband chose to leave the marriage, especially if he abandoned you, he's the one who failed the marriage, not you. Your ex-husband doesn't get to determine your worth as a person. Nor does marriage or divorce. You are more than that. Much more. But it will take a strong mind to block society's messages that broadcast that only being married is valuable."
A partner leaving can trigger shame and the belief that personal value has been diminished. Many people assume marriage is inherently better than being single or divorced, reinforced by cultural stories that center finding a “special person.” Before separation, some people feel secure in a shared identity and role as a couple. When the relationship ends, that identity can collapse and feel like being pushed overboard. The belief that leaving equals failure is challenged by the idea that competence and dedication in married life do not automatically make someone a “perfect wife,” and the departing partner may be the one who failed the marriage. Personal worth is not defined by an ex-partner or by marital status.
Read at Psychology Today
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