When Sexual Frequency Becomes the Silent Issue

"When two people commit to monogamy, they are not only choosing each other emotionally and practically. They are also, often without saying it aloud, entering into an implicit agreement about sexual availability and frequency. Not exact numbers, not a schedule, but an assumption that erotic connection will be part of the bond in a reasonably reliable way. This assumption is rarely discussed, yet it carries enormous weight."

"Most couples do not negotiate desire. They inherit expectations from culture, from past relationships, from fantasies about how love is supposed to work. Sex is expected to flow naturally, to remain mutual, and to be self-sustaining. When it does not, confusion and resentment creep in quietly. People feel betrayed by something they never explicitly promised, nor requested clearly. This unspoken agreement becomes especially visible when desire changes asymmetrically."

"One of the most common examples occurs after childbirth or during menopause. A woman's libido may drop dramatically due to hormonal shifts, physical discomfort, emotional changes, or a complex mix of all three. Meanwhile, her male partner (assuming a heterosexual dynamic for the sake of discussion) may remain sexually vibrant and enthusiastic. He often does. Suddenly, the couple is living inside a mismatch neither of them prepared for."

Monogamy commonly carries an implicit agreement about sexual availability and frequency rather than explicit terms. Most couples inherit expectations from culture and past relationships and rarely negotiate desire, so sex is expected to be natural, mutual, and self-sustaining. When desire changes asymmetrically, confusion and resentment grow quietly. Common triggers include childbirth and menopause, when a woman's libido can drop dramatically from hormonal, physical, and emotional factors. Partners experience conflicting truths: one may find sex effortful or invasive while the other feels rejected or deprived. Open, difficult conversations hold the most potential to revive intimacy and erotic connection.

Read at Psychology Today