"What's more predictive of relationship satisfaction for couples than the amount of conflict? Successful relational repair. When couples can make effective repairs, even when conflict occurs, they are far more likely to sustain long-term relationship satisfaction. Many people believe that saying "I'm sorry" is the key to moving forward after relationship tension or conflict. However, there's a difference between offering a simple apology and making a relational repair."
"Apology An apology is a communicated regret for a mistake or hurt. An apology might sound like, " I'm sorry " said in a way that suggests the person apologizing wants to move on quickly. As a couples therapist, when I hear couples struggling with moving on after conflict, even after an apology is offered, it is often because the apology is some version of this. For true relational repair to occur, there are additional steps needed."
"Perspective-taking means making a genuine effort to "put yourself in your partner's shoes" to see the situation from their point of view. It means slowing yourself down to understand not just what they're saying, but going deeper to understand why they are feeling the way they are. This also requires you to put aside feelings of defensiveness in order to put yourself in a position of curiosity."
Successful relational repair matters more for long-term relationship satisfaction than the frequency of conflict. A basic apology is a communicated regret for a mistake or hurt but often falls short when it signals a desire to move on quickly. Relational repair goes beyond apology by creating de-escalation and a productive conversation to emerge from conflict. Effective repair requires perspective-taking, taking accountability, and committing to future change. Perspective-taking involves genuinely seeing the situation from the partner's point of view and approaching with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Repair also requires avoiding defensiveness, making excuses, and privileging impact over intent.
Read at Psychology Today
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