"Stay on focus. It is not effective and, actually discouraging, if you are dredging up mistakes made 20 years ago or complaining about how much the in-laws are hated. Differences are not an opportunity to rehash old grievances or to insult each other. Stick to the issue at hand, or else the discussion will surely sink from the weight of the problems."
"Listen. Really, listen. Don't just rehearse your response until it's your turn to speak again. Don't interrupt. You can be angry or hurt without being rude or bullying. Don't personalize. Stay with the issue rather than attack the person. Contending that your partner betrayed you in some manner is legitimate. Calling your partner names, belittling, or otherwise verbally assaulting your partner is not constructive. In fact, that approach will only strengthen avoidance of sensitive but important discussions."
Avoiding important and sensitive issues widens an intimacy gulf between partners and can eventually make reconnection difficult. Keep discussions focused on the present issue rather than rehashing old grievances or insulting each other. Clearly define problems with specific language to stay on track and make solutions more attainable. Practice active listening by concentrating on a partner's words instead of rehearsing responses, and refrain from interrupting. Express anger or hurt without rudeness or bullying, and avoid personal attacks, name-calling, or belittling. Acknowledge differing conflict and intimacy styles, allow brief time-outs for regrouping, and provide reassurance when needed.
Read at Psychology Today
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