"The fear of losing the person you love, or the fear of abandonment, and the fear of losing yourself, or the fear of consumption, seem to be neatly packaged in our psyches before we leave home. We bring them with us to whatever significant relationship we find ourselves in. One fear is primary, while another takes up a secondary position. And for reasons yet to be explained, your choice of partner will likely carry your secondary fear."
"Folks raised in an enmeshed family can step into a relationship with either a fear of consumption or a fear of abandonment. The fear of consumption, or losing oneself, likely arose as you experienced a heavy focus on being more connected to others than to yourself. There did not seem to be any opportunity to honor being a unique individual. It's not unusual to bring the enmeshed understanding of love to your adult relationships. In that case, you bought into the enmeshed declaration that love"
Fear of abandonment and fear of consumption form early in life and follow individuals into significant relationships, with one fear usually primary and the partner often embodying the secondary fear. Families vary in boundary status along a spectrum from enmeshment to estrangement. Enmeshed families have thin physical and emotional boundaries, sometimes lacking private spaces, and promote values such as putting others first, feeling responsible for others' happiness, and prioritizing connection. People raised enmeshed may enter relationships fearing being consumed or fearing abandonment. Enmeshed upbringing can suppress individual uniqueness and encourage bringing enmeshed models of love into adult partnerships.
Read at Psychology Today
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