The Science of the "One Who Got Away"

"Does anyone haunt us more than the one who got away? You know who I mean: that one ex who haunts your thoughts with "what if?" They're the ex who pops up in your head when you hear a nostalgic song, or when you run across their name, or when you're a few drinks in, feeling sorry for yourself. Let's be real: most of us have a soft spot for the life we didn't live. That sharp little ache of almost."

"From Gatsby to Adele's "Someone Like You," and Olivia Rodrigo's "Get Him Back!" we've always been a little obsessed with the people we didn't end up with. There's just something romantic about a good what if, especially when it involves someone we were once convinced was our person. Every song, every late-night comfort-food-fueled heart-to-heart with a friend eventually circles back to this: Were we meant to be, and I messed it up?"

"Research shows that people who are sexually or emotionally unfulfilled in their current relationship and who are low in attachment avoidance (i.e., comfortable with emotional closeness) are more likely to feel nostalgic about an ex. Not because the ex was some magical soulmate, but because idealizing the past is easier than being vulnerable in the present. It's safer to miss someone who's gone than to get messy with someone ri"

Unfinished or unresolved relationships linger in memory and intensify feelings of "what if." Nostalgia and memory bias can rewrite past experiences, making an ex appear more perfect than they were. Cultural narratives and songs reinforce fascination with lives not lived and the romantic appeal of missed opportunities. People who are sexually or emotionally unfulfilled and who are low in attachment avoidance are especially prone to idealizing past partners. Idealizing the past feels safer than risking vulnerability in present relationships, but that safety can keep people stuck; clearer recognition of reality enables emotional closure and forward movement.

Read at Psychology Today