"Denominator neglect happens when someone focuses on the big picture (the total number of events) while ignoring the actual harm caused by a specific one. In math terms, it's like a fraction: the numerator (top number) is the painful event that affected you, and the denominator (bottom number) is the total number of times something happened. Denominator neglect is used to downplay serious issues by minimizing their impact, shifting blame onto you, or refusing accountability."
"This is one of the most common ways denominator neglect shows up in a relationship. A partner might say, "I only yelled once in six months," trying to convince you that it's not a big deal. But that one time might have been scary, humiliating, or deeply hurtful. The emotional damage has already happened. Just because something happened once doesn't mean that it's "less bad." That one event can change whether you feel safe around that person. You're not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. You don't need to justify why a behavior was harmful to you."
Denominator neglect, also called emotional math, minimizes harm by comparing a painful event to the total number of actions while ignoring the event's real impact. A single hurtful incident can be terrifying, humiliating, or safety-compromising, regardless of how infrequent it was. Attempts to highlight good actions or overall percentages often shift blame, avoid accountability, or dismiss valid feelings. Trusting emotional responses is important because one harmful act can outweigh many positives. Awareness of behavioral patterns and whether a partner accepts responsibility helps determine whether the relationship is safe and respectful.
Read at Psychology Today
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