"Most of us enter relationships believing that love will help us handle conflict. But we learned, as partners and as clinicians, that love doesn't automatically teach us how to slow down when we're triggered, how to be vulnerable with what we're feeling, how to stay connected while disagreeing, or how to return to each other after a rupture. These skills are learned, not inherited. The PACER is a model for conflict resolution that we present and explicate in detail in our book, Love. Crash. Rebuild."
"Before the PACER model existed, we (Mark and Haruna) were a couple with a strong bond but very different emotional languages. We had the intensity, the affection, the commitment. What we didn't yet have was a reliable way to interrupt the patterns that emerged when we felt hurt or scared. Even small misunderstandings could escalate quickly. We tried to repair, but sometimes our attempts made things worse. Our reactions-shaped by history, culture, and family dynamics-often took over."
A five-step PACER model provides a framework for conflict resolution in intimate relationships. The model arose from repeated relational conflicts in a couple with a strong bond but differing emotional languages, where minor misunderstandings often escalated and repair attempts sometimes worsened ruptures. PACER emphasizes that emotional skills—slowing down when triggered, expressing vulnerability, staying connected during disagreement, and returning after ruptures—are learned rather than inherited. The first step, Pause, focuses on interrupting automatic reactions. A pause functions as deliberate space that is not withdrawal, punishment, or disengagement, enabling physiological regulation before repair.
Read at Psychology Today
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