"In my example, my "old self" was the version of myself who did not have clear boundaries; who expected things that the other person could not give, and who was operating under an illusion about the reality of the relationship. In other words, I gave up parts of myself so the relationship could continue. Many people don't realize they are losing themselves until the relationship ends."
"Very often, when people go back to their old partner, they are not going back because of love; they are going back to what is familiar. They return to old patterns, old behaviors, the same dynamics that were hard to break before. Even if it was painful. Even if they were clearly not themselves. Even if they were silently suffering. But it feels familiar, easy, and comforting."
"At some point, it became important for me to ask a simple question: "What did this relationship cost me emotionally?" Over time, I felt exhausted. Difficult topics were avoided rather than worked through. Issues were left unresolved and accumulated. This dynamic is draining. When communication lacks depth, one person carries the emotional labor for both. Gradually, distance grows until emotional separation happens long before the relationship officially ends."
Breakups can involve losing an "old self": identity, habits, patterns, and behaviors shaped by the relationship. People may sacrifice boundaries, voice, confidence, and clarity to preserve the partnership, often without realizing the loss. Avoiding difficult topics and leaving issues unresolved accumulates emotional fatigue, shifting emotional labor onto one partner and creating early emotional separation. Returning to an old partner frequently reflects a return to familiarity and old patterns rather than genuine love. Moving on requires reconnecting with oneself, asking what the relationship cost emotionally, and rebuilding healthier boundaries and self-awareness.
Read at Psychology Today
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