"It almost doubled my salary, which is great, but there's much longer hours and a lot of complex, stressful stuff happening. My libido has tanked-not to the point of zero, but far less than it used to be. So while I still have sex with my wife about once a week, I've gradually drifted away from all non-nesting partners. Nothing harsh or sudden-things just kind of fizzled out."
"She says she feels guilty about seeing anyone else when I'm not, and while I've tried to reassure her I don't mind at all-and I truly don't since I'm having all the sex I want right now-she says it "feels weird," and that she gets insecure seeing people when I'm not. She's been pushing me to see one of her girlfriends and trying to badger me for a threesome with her."
"The lesson here for both of you is that you can only control yourself, not others (at least, not ethically). The grief your wife has been giving you is about her own guilt for seeing other people when you are not. It's fine for her to have that guilt, but the only effective way for her to offset it is to modify her own behavior, not try to control yours to make herself feel better."
A 19-year marriage has included six years of ethical non-monogamy. A major promotion and a new large project nearly doubled salary but brought longer hours and high stress, causing a marked drop in libido. Sexual contact with the primary partner continues about weekly while involvement with non-nesting partners has gradually fizzled. The other partner experiences guilt and insecurity about seeing people when the narrator is not, and has pressured him to engage with her partners or join a threesome. Personal responsibility is emphasized: individuals can control only their own behavior, and guilt should be managed by modifying one’s own choices rather than attempting to control a partner.
Read at Slate Magazine
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