My Wife Always Says the Same Thing After We Have Sex. But Her Actions Don't Match Up.

"Sex with my wife seems so fraught these days. There's so much baggage. It has to be scheduled. OK, fine. I came on to her last night, but she said, "No, wait until tomorrow when it's scheduled." Then, when the scheduled time arrived, she said she couldn't do it because she had a work call. She also said she doesn't want to do it, but she will do it later to make me happy. That (not enthusiastically consenting sex) doesn't make me happy."

"She also wants me to read a book she got me on sex. The book is neither great nor terrible. So I'm going to force myself to finish it. Actually, I would prefer to read the book rather than have sex with an unwilling partner. When we do have sex, we both enjoy it. The act itself and the emotional connection, which lasts longer. Afterward, she's always like, "We should do this more often. It's good for our relationship." And I agree."

"Dear Frustrated, I'm extremely curious about this book on sex that your wife gave you. Which book is it? What does it say about sex? Why might she have wanted you to read it? If you don't have any sense of what your wife was hoping you'd get out of the book, are you able to ask her about it with a tone of genuine curiosity?"

Husband reports that sexual encounters require scheduling and often involve his wife's reluctant consent or last-minute cancellations for work. He received a book on sex from his wife and plans to finish it, preferring to read it rather than have sex with an unwilling partner. When sex happens, both experience physical pleasure and a lasting emotional connection and agree it benefits their relationship. The wife restricts sexual activity to the bed and resists spontaneity, which frustrates the husband. A practical step is to ask the wife, with genuine curiosity, what she hoped he would learn from the book.

Read at Slate Magazine