"I've been in a long-distance, open relationship with "Tom" for nearly a year. When we first met, we were only planning to be casual BDSM play partners, but we both felt an instant connection and started a romantic relationship a few months later. When we first met, I told him that I didn't need to know about his other partners as long as he was using protection and getting tested, and he agreed."
"A few months in, we agreed to continue with a "don't ask, don't tell" format, with some guidelines. I know that he has a few sexual and non-sexual BDSM play partners and that he attends kinky play parties, but I don't know many details beyond that. I have two other casual, local partners. My connection with one of them, "Selina," is deepening; we have been seeing each other more often and growing closer emotionally."
Don't ask, don't tell arrangements can produce asymmetrical transparency and emotional strain when one partner's attachments deepen. Clear renegotiation of boundaries becomes necessary when casual relationships develop into emotionally significant ones. Partners should communicate needs, limits, and expectations about intimacy and disclosure, while maintaining sexual-health practices like regular testing and protection. Use hypotheticals to broach sensitive topics and set rules about what kinds of activities or emotional involvement are permitted with others. Establish protocols for privacy, jealousy mitigation, and consent. If needs diverge substantially, consider adjusting the relationship structure, including transitioning to more closed or monogamous models.
Read at Slate Magazine
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