Miss Manners: Here's why sir' and ma'am' aren't appropriate anymore

"I think the reason that people think using ma'am or sir is offensive stems from the idea that you have to assume someone's gender identity in order to use them. There are many people whose appearance doesn't match their identity. Assuming one knows that information based on looks, or even voice, can cause distress for people, especially if they are early in a transition or if they are gender-nonconforming."

"I, like you, was raised to be polite. Ma'am and sir were my normal ways of addressing people. It has been difficult to shift how I talk to people, but I have done so, not because I don't want to be respectful, but because I do. I genuinely wish there were a universal, gender-neutral honorific to use in the English language. I want something that showed I respect people enough to be polite, but also enough not to assume I know (possibly private) information about them."

"It would be useful, Miss Manners agrees, to have such a word, and thereby dispense with one of the limitless causes at which people take offense. So would you and other Gentle Readers please give it a try and suggest one? A few warnings: It should be dignified and easy to say. A word already in use is preferable, if it is not too confusing, because people do not take easily to made-up words."

Using 'ma'am' or 'sir' can offend because it assumes a person's gender identity based on appearance or voice, which may not match their true identity. Gender-nonconforming people or those early in transition can experience distress when addressed with gendered honorifics. Some polite people have intentionally shifted their speech away from 'ma'am' and 'sir' out of respect. A single, dignified, easy-to-say, gender-neutral English honorific would reduce a common source of offense. An existing word is preferable to avoid resistance to invented terms. The correspondence also raises a separate question about when to send regrets for small-group RSVPs.

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