"When you're with the right person, it's effortless (wrong). Never go to bed angry (also wrong). Relationship advice is often centered on the idea that we shouldn't experience frustration with each other, a sentiment that sounds nice, in theory. In reality, that goal keeps us repeating the same patterns and wondering why we keep having the same fight; why our partner still doesn't understand us; or why we feel alone."
"The good news is that communication skills can be learned by nearly anyone. The best couples stay in the room when things get thorny and work through their differences."
Common relationship maxims like effortless love or 'never go to bed angry' encourage avoidance of frustration and lead to repetitive patterns and isolation. People often fixate on alignment of desires, lifestyle, and values while overlooking the central role of communication skills. Communication skills can be acquired by most people. Effective couples remain present during conflict and collaboratively work through differences, whether in therapy or at home. Dismissing a partner's feelings by privileging intentions over impact undermines validation and obstructs problem-solving, transforming disagreements into meta-debates that perpetuate disconnect.
Read at Slate Magazine
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