"And the cruelty you're living through now is that as well as teaching you to be mistrustful of others, betrayal on that magnitude teaches you to be unsure of yourself. If I misread things once Hurt like that teaches us all too acutely about the costs of trusting people who don't deserve that trust. It's totally reasonable to prioritise avoiding hurt for a while."
"But in that self-protective aftermath, it can be easy to mistake isolation for safety. That's what the panic tells us, anyway; cut it off, head back, smaller circle, lick the wounds. In fact, retreat isn't safe. It just keeps you safe from one specific kind of loss. Retreat and avoidance are not cost-free. Day after day of vigilance, of declining possible connections what does it add up to?"
"A life without betrayal, sure, but also a life with fewer loving connections. A life without ease. Backing away means there's no one moment of acute hurt, but it's a cost all the same; the steady accumulation of ways to make our world smaller. Taking the worst of the past as a guide for the future means we find less in that future to counterbalance the past."
After a long marriage and a hidden, long-term affair, betrayal created deep mistrust and self-doubt. A delayed divorce and solitary year increased vulnerability. Fear of commitment and panic about perceived threats in a new relationship emerged. Prioritising avoidance of further hurt is a reasonable short-term response. Prolonged self-protection can turn into isolation that feels safe but narrows life. Retreat and vigilance prevent specific acute losses while accumulating steady costs: fewer loving connections, less ease, and a smaller world. Letting the worst past dictate the future reduces opportunities that could counterbalance previous pain.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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